The New Guy – Christmas Wish Lists

The New Guy - Christmas Wish Lists

I know I said I would talk to you again after Chris and Andy play on the 28th, but some sh*t came up.

The New Guy – Christmas Wish Lists

I got a call from a jolly fat man last week and he had some interesting questions for me. It wasn’t until my 3rd attempt at telling Mr. Ford I was not his hook up that he finally stopped harassing me on my family’s house telephone.

After having this tubby bastard on my mind for the rest of the night, it reminded me that another one of his kind would be on the way soon, although Santa’s drug use history is a little cloudier than that of the Mayor of T-Dot. (That’s Toronto for all you Drake hating Yankees out there)

It made me think of a few MMA Athletes who probably have long wish lists, and I quickly wondered what those lists might look like. I think we can crack the code if we look a little deeper, and see if some of the boys and girls got what they were after this year.

We both know I already have you, the fan’s wish list covered. I mean I’m here aren’t I?!

Let’s first look at Uncle Dana’s list.

It’s a long one.

For starters he’d probably appreciate Doc Brown showing up in the DesLaurien to take him back to Bigfoot Silva’s last TRT treatment.

The fact all he could muster up was a 🙁 on his Twitter account showed the rarity of his heart ache. Even HE had nothing to say. I mean let’s be honest, after that battle getting the news of Bigfoot’s failed test left us as hollow as uncovering Kris Kringle’s true ‘identity’.

Throw him into the mix of needing a new Smartphone as well, maybe that new finger print reading bullshit or whatever.

He’s going to have a lot of calls from Interim Belt requests to redemption pleas, having the likes of Showtime and Cain out long term. Add the Middleweight and Women’s Bantamweight Titles potentially tied up for Rubber Matches after this weekend, it could be a quiet opening quarter as it relates to new match ups for hardware, but a loud one on Dana’s eardrums.

Far be it for me to say, but Dana could use himself a gym membership as well. I’m just saying, for a guy who owns a chain of branded gyms the back of his neck is looking more and more like a pack of sausages by the day. I can only imagine which weight class he’ll be cresting after Christmas dinner.

Flyweight prospect Sergio Pettis could use a flashlight to help him find his way out of his brother’s shadow. He could also use a string of wins in the octagon. Something tells me the flashlight may come easier.

Firas Zahabi is wishing for a new cash cow after GSP’s departure. Cows are like Gods to his people too, so being that this holiday is all about the celebration of Jesus, expect said cow to surface sometime in 2014. There are some serious candidates out at that gym, it’s on one of them to bring it.

Contrarily the Welterweight Division got their collective wish when Georges retired. Now let’s all wish for the injury bug to catch a flat so he can’t catch up with Ruthless Robbie or the Big Rig prior to March and we can get this show on the road.

How about ‘The Phenom’ Vitor Belfort?

Aside from a new barber it’s clear he’s wishing for a title shot, but he may also need a clean ‘sample’. It’s a matter of time before this guy tests positive for elevated levels of TRT and Jesus. To my knowledge the pair continue to be on the banned substances list.

I have to think Burt Watson perennially wishes for his box of halls. He seems like the Black Cherry type to me. Don’t ask why. Maybe it’s racially charged I don’t know.

Have we reached the point where a ‘TRT Champion’ is the wish of the old school MMA Fan? I mean f*ck it, let Vitor, Chael, Shogun, Wandy, Hendo, Overeem, Bigfoot and whoever else signs up perform an ode to the PRIDE days and pair up a fresh syringe with some heel stomps.

Eat your heart out Heaven.

Finally, my personal wish list.

It’s simple really.

Let me wake up, look at the calendar, and find the date to be Saturday the 28th, because if I have to spend 1 more god damn day listening to the “Youuuuu, and meeeeeeeee…” UFC 168 Promo I am going to start drowning kittens.

Mother cats, consider yourselves warned.

– The New Guy


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here