Corner Man

Half-Cut UFC 137 Picks

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And thus begins another new segment on MMASucka.com – sayeth the Lord.

This site is blessed with some good writers (I’m not one of them) who are usually pretty good at predicting fights. Nostradamus holds nothing on the MMASucka crew; well actually hang on, we’ll see on December 21, 2011 – that whole end of the world thing. Boy wouldn’t we look like a bunch of retards if the Mayans and Nostradamus were right.

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Anyway, I don’t think I’m a psychic. I would say I’m more of a savant. Some have thrown the word Jedi around when describing my gift. Okay I will admit I have had some Jedi tendencies that have made betting on MMA profitable. However, when I lose I blame it on picking while sober. I just find I’m better at this while under the influence of whatever is available. Glue?

I am going to pick the winners for UFC 137. Just one second, I need to refill this glass.

GSP vs. Nick Diaz:
First off I am taking George St. Pierre over Nick Diaz. Shit this match up isn’t happening. I Forgot. Not a good start.

GSP vs. Carlos Condit:
Okay start over. I am going to take GSP over Carlos Condit. It will be a close fight but… WTF! I need to find a better website to steal my picks from. Hello “Top MMA News!” Update your site. Why am I doing this again? Oh right because I’m a great procrastinator. No wait…Prognosticator? Does that make sense? Shit I’m rambling.

Nick Diaz vs. BJ Penn:
Not a bad little Main Event. You know that feeling when you don’t get exactly what you want and end up stuck with second best? You’re like okay I’ll take it. It wasn’t what you wanted… but if that’s all they have… so be it. Going to be a great fight anyway. It should be five rounds though. This fight is like when you sleep with an amazingly hot woman and you only last three minutes. The sex would have been even better if you went five. My record is 3.5 minutes but that was after half a bottle of wine. Everyone would be somewhat more satisfied with five I think.

I’m taking Nick Diaz in this fight. I know others like BJ Penn, not mentioning any names.

Nick Diaz is faster and will be able to pick Penn a part from the outside. Don’t get me wrong Penn has some great hands but I’m concerned about his cardio and whether or not he can get in close enough to land his jab. Punches in bunches is how this fight will be won. I see the Jits being negated and this fight becoming a boxing match. Nick Diaz via decision. I personally feel that Penn has slowed down and I think that the damage Penn will take over three rounds of pleasure will have Penn gassed and unsatisfied.
My Pick: Nick Diaz

Cheick Kongo vs. Matt Mitrione:
I love it when Kongo makes an entrance. He looks like that guy you would want to quickly befriend in prison. Kongo could stare a hole through your scull, grab your brains and kick them into a soccer net. Unfortunately for Kongo he is far too one-dimensional. Mitrione is 5-0 and is a former NFL defensive lineman. I guess he wasn’t good enough to play in the CFL so he took up MMA. Mitrione has more tools in his toolbox and enjoys getting hit. I really hope Matt has been working on his Jits because I think Kongo will own him on the ground. This is going to be a Jiu-jitsu battle like nobody has ever seen before. Eat your heart out Roger Gracie.

I’m taking Mitrione in this fight because it’s a simple game plan. Take Kongo down, and beat on him. I’m pretty sure Mitrione remembers how to tackle large men to the ground.
Jedi Pick: Mitrione

Mirko Cro Cop vs. Roy Nelson:
Both fighters need a win. Nelson doesn’t want to talk about his weight and would rather just talk about his beard and other oddities. He says he still weighs the same. Apparently people who make fun of his weight are mean. Geez sorry. You can’t promote yourself and say, “Hey look at me I’m fat and I’m a fighter isn’t that so cool?” and when everyone goes “Wow that guy is fat,” turn it around and say that we’re mean. Sorry Roy, it doesn’t work like that. Now pass the Nachos.

If Roy doesn’t show some improvement in his overall shape, win or lose, it won’t matter because, in my opinion, the UFC will throw him his walking papers. Speaking of walking papers Cro Cop better have his getaway vehicle ready outside. The man is done and is going to steal another UFC pay cheque. Why is this man still fighting? I take Roy in this fight because he can take a punch like no other and does have a great ground game. You just can’t see it when the giant blob swallows up his opponents. Was that mean again?
Jedi Pick: Roy Nelson

Scott Jorgensen vs. Jeff Curran:
Holy Jeff Curran is still around?! I wasn’t aware of this. Not a bad little fight that has been moved to the main card. I personally would of liked to see Siver vs. Cerrone on the main card, but this will do. Sort of the theme of this UFC event thus far… “It will do.” This is a tough battle to pick a winner. So I will go by the following wise philosophy adopted by women everywhere. Women’s and Michael David Smith’s strategy at the horse tracks… “He has a cute name, I’ll pick Lucky Dancer.”
Scott is a cute name I’m going to go with Scott Jorgensen by TKO or a decision – Who cares there are no bonus points for how.
Jedi Pick: Scott Jorgensen

Hatsu Hioki vs. George Roop:
I watched some video on Hioki and although I’m sure I could kick his ass, he would be dangerous to mere mortal men. But I don’t like taking Japanese fighters in a UFC Octagon; it never seems to work out. I really want to take Hioki in this fight because I think he is a more complete fighter but that was in Japan. Roop seems to thrive on being the underdog. He also has some great striking and he is a massive man for being a featherweight. However, Hioki is a fairly big featherweight too. I want to root for the Japanese guy, but I’m going to go with the trend and take Roop.
Jedi Pick: George Roop

There you go. My half-cut picks. Someone on this site will probably write more professional type picks, but ignore them. You know who to follow. I turn water into Irish Whiskey. Now time for another Jamesons and a puff. No real deep analysis, because none is required. Let’s see how I do. It looks like Smitty has the same picks as me except for the Main Event. I may change these up after each fight is over. I’m thinking of going as Roy Nelson for Halloween.

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also writes an MMA Column for 24 Hours Vancouver and contributes to VanCityBuzz.com.

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